I am sitting on my back patio appreciating the fact that despite it being December 28,2025 I am in sweats and have a fire going in the chiminea. It is almost 70 here in Bama. For this I am grateful.

I have always had a sense of melancholy during the holidays. I believe I am not alone in this. As a home health physical therapist, I visit many lonely people over this season. One lady told me that she had no visitors at her senior living apartment and no gifts from her two daughters- no gifts at all. This weighed so heavily on me. Another told me that she was alone on Christmas as her husband is in rehab and she cant get around and her children have busy lives. I heard her heart ache. I felt it even more. The stories are endless.

What this reminds me of is that time on this earth is short. It reminds me that at the end of the day material possessions and wealth are nothing. What we all want…. What I want is to be able to love on those dearest to me. I want to freely hug my children and tell them how much they mean to me. Tell them how proud of them I am. Tell them I am sorry for all the ways I was not what they needed me to be.

I am thankful that my two daughters and I have worked to forge healthy relationships. I am so proud of the women they are. I am so thankful that they show me grace and compassion and love. I do not take this for granted. I have an incredible stepson and daughter in law. They are so special to me. And they gave me the gift of being able to love their 3 year old son unconditionally. He is a salve to my hurting heart. And I am so very thankful for my husband David. He has traveled this grief road with me. He has been my rock.

Unfortunately the holidays remind me of the loss of my son. He is my middle child. I love him with all my being. He has cut off ties with me beginning in 2016. The story is complex. I hope to blog daily in the hopes of healing my grief which seems to never resolve. I believe that overcoming the death of a child would be akin to scaling Mt Everest. With support one can get to a place of peace and a different but hopeful normalcy. I am trying to find that peace and normalcy in my situation.

I am writing this blog because I realize I am stuck. Holidays bring on the shame, guilt , grief , hopelessness associated with estrangement. I say I am stuck, BUT I am also hopeful. i am hopeful because I am moving towards wholly forgiving myself for mistakes that I made in raising my children. I am thankful because I see the ways that this pain has helped me to love elderly people who are sad and lonely. It has helped me to use this pain for good.

I hope this blog is encouraging to anyone who is living this experience of estrangement

Hi Jared,

I was driving down the road on my way home from work  the other day and I was wishing I could pick up the phone and call you.  I have so many thoughts that swirl around in my head that I want to tell you. I don’t want to forget all those little thoughts and I hope some day that you will get to read these little quips from my brain and we will be connected. Maybe this time will not seem like such a long dessert between us.

Today I drove on the Jack Warner Parkway and bridge.  I always think of you when I drive by this area.  Do you remember when I brought you your lunch? I told the guy ” hey I’m Jared Beach’s mom and he forgot his lunch…”  insert nutty imogees here.  I have no idea where my brain was. The guy got a kick out of it if I remember what you told me…   Every time I see someone wearing those ugly green pants you had to wear I want to run up to them and say ” hey do you know my son Jared? ”  never mind it’s a huge plant and you don’t work there anymore.. I have a way of accosting people when it comes to you.  I will never forget being at Hungry Howies and meeting that guy that was from West Virginia.  When I found out what kind of professor he was I immediately began to tell him all about you.  I guess I get my shy gene from papap.

It seems that everything from Jack Warner Parkway on over the spillway reminds me of you.  Each time I drive over the spillway I wonder where you are, and where Elizabeth is. I think about the time I was so nervous to bring her gifts after her surgery.  I was nervous to meet her mom. I did not want to say anything stupid and make a bad impression that would embarrass you.  Elizabeth was in too much pain for me to get to see her but I got to meet her mom.